Almost everybody is enamored with the idea of good sex. We can’t blame people since that’s how Hollywood portrays sex. So, when people get to business inside the bedroom, they have high expectations from themselves and their partners as well. Ironically, good sex is elusive. And what makes sex more unfulfilling is the anxiety associated with your desire for performing your best.
But there’s hope. Some sex experts say there’s no bad sex only wrong partners. There may be a grain of truth here. When it comes to sex, the experience could be trial and error. The more you have sex, the more experience you accumulate, the better you become.
Yet some people who’ve been with multiple partners still suck in the sack. This could only mean one thing, lots of factors can complicate your sex life. It’s not just you or your partner. It could also be about your situation, the emotional or financial state you’re in, and anything in between. Before you conclude you suck in bed, try to consider these things first.
You’re not bad in bed
Sex therapist Ian Kerner shares that no one is bad at sex. Whether you’re uncaring or insensitive, you can improve. Every time your partner complains about your performance, take it as an opportunity to discuss the matter more seriously.
Accepting your weaknesses doesn’t mean you’re truly a bad performer. Rather, it can be the best place for you to look at the situation and find ways on how to improve. In the same way, you can help your partner become better by opening up to them about the things they need to work on.
A matter of preference
People are not the same. It’s normal for both of you to have different preferences but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stick with what you like.
Life is about stretching yourself. Being flexible in bed can go a long way, especially when you’re not in an exclusive relationship. You can meet a different partner or even spend a night with a stranger who doesn’t have any clue about your likes and dislikes. You can tell them what doesn’t work for you, but it pays to give something a chance. At least, you’ve tried.
Different levels of sex drive
One of the reasons why couples who have wide age gaps don’t last in a relationship is that their varying sex drives get in the way. The older partner may be unable to please their younger partner who has way higher levels of libido.
When couples fail to match each other’s libido, the relationship is bound to come to a halt in the long run. But if both are willing to compromise, they can save the relationship for good. The partner with a higher sex drive can use sex toys for masturbation and sometimes with the aid of the other. This enhances intimacy and strengthens the connection.
A degree of compatibility helps
While we think that sharing the same likes and dislikes in the bedroom makes for pleasurable sex, we might be wrong. A study found that regardless of the couple’s preferences in bed, they can still enjoy orgasmic sex when they have perceived sexual compatibility.
There’s perceived sexual compatibility when both of you share the same sexual beliefs, desires, and needs. This can also happen when you have the same turn-ons and turn-offs on the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects. In the presence of perceived sexual compatibility, you’re likely to have sexual satisfaction.
The role of attraction
People allow themselves to get entangled in a relationship as a result of initial attraction. Without a general attraction, it’s unlikely that you spend time and effort in establishing a lasting relationship with someone. How this initial attraction turns out, in the long run, is a question only couples can answer.
Some attraction wears off, especially when you find out your partner is not the type of person you perceived them to be. Some attraction also dies a natural death when you discover something in your partner that you just can’t tolerate. Some feelings of attraction just naturally lose its spark. You would no longer be the best partner in bed when you’re no longer attracted to your partner.
A change of heart
Let’s face it, people change. It’s part of evolution, part of something beyond our control. Even if your partner promises to spend their life with you, this is not a guarantee they would feel the same three or five years from now. And you may feel the same way too.
Sex gets boring when your partner no longer shares the same intense emotions as you, or it might be the other way around. It’s better to let go of someone who no longer feels the spark than to hold on for the sake of holding on. This hurts not only your sex life but also your worth as a person.
The absence of communication
The busyness of life can take its toll on you and your partner. The partner who feels left behind may lose sex drive or libido. When you notice your partner is not as hot as they used to be, chances are, there are some issues they want to talk about but never get to opening about them. You might be too busy to listen. The only time you can be intimate with your partner is through sex, which has become part of the routine.
But if you know your partner long enough, you will get some cues from unsatisfying sex. As soon as you notice your sex is no longer pleasurable, spend some time talking about it before issues escalate and are beyond repair.
A worthy relationship requires more effort
Can you imagine your partner dumping you for being a lousy lover? Your partner feels the same way too. It would be unfair when you pack your things up just because your partner performs less than what is expected.
A smooth flowing relationship didn’t start being one. It started from scratch, from being messy and all tangled up. But because both partners work through it as a team, manage to give and take, and help each other out, they both reap the joys of their hard-earned relationship including fantastic sex life.
You can find yourself in the same relationship too by putting in more effort. But if you feel something is not worth your effort, then there’s nothing wrong to jump ship as long as you don’t do it in all your relationships. Otherwise, you might need counseling.