Being in a relationship seems like a pretty sweet deal. Having someone who will love you, unconditionally no matter what? Sign me up. Everyone is on a search for “the one”. The question is though, are you ready to commit? Most of the time, you’re not, but that doesn’t stop men from getting into relationships and then immediately regretting it. You start to feel stuck, you panic and then you end it. What seemed like a cushy ride to love-ville quickly turned into a glass box of emotion with no way out. You need to start dating responsibly and here are all the signs you’re not exactly a “relationship guy” yet.
- You don’t have your shit together
There’s more to life than having a girlfriend and it’s called your career, your health, your friends and your family. If you don’t have those areas of your life handled you are not ready to be in a relationship. If you’re working at a job you don’t like, you’re not ready. If you don’t have a group of friends, you’re not ready. If you are not financially independent, you’re not ready. I think you get the picture. Of course you can “casually” date people, but you will regret it if you start turning it into a legit relationship. You feel empty in these other areas of your life so you think a girlfriend will fix everything, but it’s just a bandaid solution. Five months into it you’re gonna get spooked and realize how lazy you’ve been with your career or fitness and will start to feel stuck. She accepts you for who you are, but it’s all an illusion because you still don’t have that job you’ve been wanting and you still don’t have that social life you know you should have. You don’t need to literally have all these things accomplished, but you should be “on your way”.
- You really really want a girlfriend
Do you tend to “get serious” with the first girl who gives you the time of day? Stop doing that. You deserve to choose someone who is really right for you. This might be hard to wrap your head around if you rarely interact with girls, but having that urgency to just “get a girlfriend” is a sure sign you aren’t ready for one. You should be exposing yourself to lots of people on a regular basis and you should also be dating as much as possible to find someone who is right for you. If you feel like you’re dating someone because there’s no one else who would date you, stop right now and start widening your net. Once you feel like you have options, then you’ll know you are ready to commit to just one.
- You feel depressed
You might feel sad or lonely on a regular basis and this is a huge sign you shouldn’t be in a relationship. You probably feel like love doesn’t exist or you’ll never find someone. You feel hopeless on the regular. Well guess what, this black hole in your heart will not be filled by getting a girlfriend. Yes, it will feel good for a little while and the world will seem a little bit brighter, but after the honeymoon period, it’s back to regular life. You will realize you’ve been so focused on her and making her happy you totally forgot how miserable you were. The feelings come rushing back and you just “can’t do this anymore”. You might feel depressed because you don’t have a lot of money, or your career is going nowhere and now you’re even more behind since taking this detour to lovey-dovey land. You need to be happy yourself before you can make someone else happy. In the famous words of Ru Paul “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell can you love someone else? Can I get an amen?”
- You still hate your mom/dad
Do you tend to be attracted to people who look like one of your parents? Think long and hard about this one. I’m going to go a little Freudian on you and say that the reason why you are attracted to people who look or act like your mom is because you are trying to heal your relationship with her. To put it more simply…she didn’t give you the love you needed when you were 5 so now your trying to find that love elsewhere. Maybe if someone who looks like mom loves me, that void will be filled. Our relationships with our parents can shape how we see love in our adult lives. Is love abundant or is it hard to find. Does everyone love me automatically? Or do I have to prove myself through appearance, success and finances before I get it. If you are not close with your parents, you need to make the effort to at least understand them. Spend some time with them one on one without your siblings or other family members there. Get to know them as actual people and not the keepers to your love in this world.
- You think you are actually the worst
If you really don’t think highly about yourself you are not ready to think highly of someone else. You don’t need to necessarily “love yourself unconditionally”, you need to believe with your whole heart that “you are enough”. You with all your flaws and quirks. Recognize you aren’t perfect, embrace that you are not perfect and believe from the depths of your soul that not being perfect is OK. If you lack self-acceptance, you will most likely be trying to find it in a relationship. Why not just find someone else to remind me everyday of how special I am? The thing is, what if they’re not there one day, you can’t just spend your whole life chasing people and leeching positive emotions from them. Cultivate that feeling of “yes, I deserve to take up just as much space on this planet as everyone else”, because it’s true. You are awesome. Now believe it.