About to have kids and worried about your sex life? Already have kids and have no sex life? Children have a unique and seemingly intentional way of interrupting any romantic or sensual moment between you and your partner. Most kids don’t even know what sex is yet, but they suck the sex out of your life nonetheless. Here is your escape route, your tips on how to do it on the low, get things even steamier than before, and keep your sex life alive!
Make the investment in a good babysitter
Get your neighborhood teen know-it-all to come over for two or three hours. Give her some food, the remote control, and thirty bucks. Sneak off to a local hotel and get it on. No one has to know you aren’t doing some boring dinner and a movies thing. It will also feel hot sneaking around and you and your partner can torture each other via email and text at work leading up to the big date.
On a budget?
This is what Grandma and Grandpa are for. Drop your little suckers off at Grandma’s house to get spoiled for free while you and Mommy sneak back to the house to have outrageously loud sex. Your parents will love any chance they get with the grandkids, so use this free babysitting time strategically to resurrect your sex life.
Barricade the door
Just kidding, but at least lock that damn thing. If your kids need you they will bang on the door or yell for you and you can attend to them once your decent. While locking the door might make you feel like you are a “bad parent”, really you are being an awesome parent by protecting your child’s eyes and sponge-like psyche from the likes of seeing you railing their mom.
Get those kids to bed
The earlier your kids go to bed, the earlier you can ensure they are sound asleep. It will also make your children alert during school and easier to get up in the morning. A bedtime around 8 or 9 pm is totally appropriate and will give you at least two solid hours before your bedtime to get down and dirty.
Put an end to co-sleeping
Get those sticky little leeches our from under your sheets. Make the bed a sacred Mommy and Daddy only zone. It is also dangerous to co-sleep with an infant for their cranial development and the risk of crushing them in your sleep. With infants put the crib in the room or the crib in a nearby room and leave the doors open. With toddlers, put them in their own room and keep them in their own room. Being strict about this will save you countless hours of sleep and give you many more opportunities for sex. It is good to be firm with your kids about where they sleep and a bedtime; it enforces routine and shows them that you will not compromise in your authority on cultivating their routine.
Remember to be realistic when trying to rekindle your sex life after a newborn is brought home. Give your lover time to recoup and when the kids are older don’t always make it about jumping the other’s bones at any given chance. Keep the romance alive and when you are finally getting that alone time, make it a rule to not talk about the kids or work at all, focus on reconnecting and tending to those forgotten flames.