The Condom Failure Survival Guide

by supplementrant
The Condom Failure Survival Guide

We all definitely need this guide in our high school years and all have our own horror stories about getting condoms stuck, breaking condoms, not having condoms, backwards condoms, stale condoms, the list goes on. Blue condoms, red condoms, two condoms, using plastic bags as condoms… Well it’s time to finally wise up once and for all for perfect execution every time and a fool proof escape plan for just in case.

Condom Breakage

Step 1: shimmy the window open Step 2: put socks on to mute your footsteps as you sneak out. JUST KIDDING! The responsible thing to do is to offer to go the next morning or that night to pick up the Plan B pill with your partner. Do not tell her to go get it, offer to take her, it is up to her whether or not she would like to take the pill. Offer to pay or split the bill. This is the ultimate classy move and it ensures that you will be there to witness the taking of said pill.

Condom Stuck in the Snatch


This in part is not your problem, but definitely was your entire fault. Be there for moral support. The condom getting stuck, especially if unused is no big deal. It will work its way out the one way street that is the vaginal canal. Medical assistance is really only needed after several hours of fishing. Keep your partner calm, tell them it is totally normal and happens all the time. Direct them to go to the bathroom and squat down in a catcher’s position while fishing, this really helps give more access to the depths of the canal. If the condom is used, offer to go with her to get Plan B. You can also assist in searching for her if you are both very comfortable with one another, but honestly you have no clue what you are doing up there anyhow and she will most likely be very tense.

If that doesn’t work Option 2 is to tell her to go try and take a dump. As vulgar as this might be especially in a one-night situation, or first three date scenario, it really does help shift things. When women poop they also tend to flex their pelvic floor muscles and this can loosen what ever is stuck up there and bring it to the surface.

Reverse cow-girl and doggy style are the most common positions for this to occur, try to check the base of the penis every once in a while in these positions to ensure you are still wear the condom.

Stale Condoms and No Condoms


If you don’t have a condom, well you better go out and buy one because 20 minute is a lot less than 18 years of your life.

For the love of god, just keep a fresh (never frozen) condom in your wallet. If it’s been a while just toss it and replace with a more reliable one. Find a brand that you feel jives with your member and stick with it.

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